back to the surface.

I've been so torn lately. I just cant put my finger on it though. I talked to Jose yesterday before we dissected our dear old Harold. Poor guy, he didnt stand a chance. But anyways, back to the more important stuff. I was telling him about my recent dilemma. Well, i dont know if you would call it recent, but its a recurring one. And wow has it been driving me nuts.

Its like, i dont know how im supposed to feel. I should be over it, but im not. But i hate that im not. Make sense ? Its just a whole bunch of mixed emotions running through my head. It just wont calm down. &IHATEIT. I know what i WANT, but there seems to be this other part of me that wants to rebel and do what i know is wrong. it's like some part of me, misses, the way things used to be. Which is sort of a surprise, because its been so long. I should have BEEN over it. I convinced myself that i was, but then recently, things just came rushing back. Or more like, surfaced ? I dont know. I cant point it out. Its so irritating.

Jose came to a conclusion that i completely agree with though. He asked if i've been turning to God, and it clicked. I havent talked to Him in so long, i've been so lost. I havent been letting the most important person in my life, in on my problems. I haven't had a conversation with him in so long. Thats the reason why I've been feeling so lost about what i should do about things. It made total sense. So, me and Jose get into this conversation about God, what we pray for, and how we do it. It was sort of an enlightening conversation. He asked if i ever prayed about the dilemma that i was currently going through, and i told him that i've always prayed about it before. Usually, i pray for the same things every Sunday at church. My parents, My girls, and my guidance, and ****. With the last thing, i've always told God that i would leave situations concerning that person, in his hands. Because if there's anyone that knows me better than i know myself, its God. &i know that in any situation he puts me in, he has me endure for my own good. And with that person that i prayed about, i always told God to let things happen as he would want them. Have them happen as he would seek best for me.

I dont know what part of the plan this is, but im so lost. I need to have another conversation with him. Im going to church later, not for mass, but just to sit there and talk. I have a feeling its gonna help a WHOLE lot. All i wanna do is talk. &hopefully find some contentness, or somehow find some answers.

Sorry, this blog became more of a spiritual self analysis, but i had to get it out somehow. &thats what these things are for, right ? Update when i can, ciao !